flexiblala

So, it took seven months for me to get fully distracted by a boy.
The boy is called Lee.
I might see him when I'm at funeral for a friend in Derry
and my mate caislin seems to have labelled me as a tart who will see him and jump on his tearing his clothes off
But I have seen him in vans print boxers.......niiiice
But I won't cheat on Michael
Because it's bad
And if I did, I dn't think I would feel guilty.
Which makes it even worse.
Yip, I must be a woman of steel
I mean, I love Michael like a crazy thing
But iunno, I would like a little curt from Lee too.
It's not a dilema, I know I am staying with Michael
But the thought passes my mind alot
And so does that emo hair, lip piercing, vans boxers and famous stars and straps white belt, and the thought of them on my floor. (well not the hair and the piercing obv..)
Gosh.... 

I had a nice big arguement or two with michael last night
One was over me joking saying I was going to derry for a gig and was gonna have a threesome in the loos with a boy called Lee and Kirsty. He didn't appreciate it, said I make him jealous because 'load of boys want on you' so I had to do the whole remind him how much I loved him and yadeyadeyada

It's not that I want to cheat on him, I mean I wouldn't like it done to me
Lets just call it, the curiosity to test other waters 

You know, sometimes me and Stephine butt horns together, but you know, deep down inside I love her unconditionaly. She came over to mine today for a little tlc session. I just sat and listened to her, gave her a hug, and went up to mullins and bought chocolate (what? in a time of need it overrules lenten promises) so we just sat in the basement and watched the little mermaid.
I didn't actually say much to stephine, I mean, I'm not good at saying the right thing at the right time in her circumstances. But I am very good at listening and stuffness.
And I taught her how to play buzz, and she won once (granted I let her win....but still)
And she taught me seven nation army on guitar.
And I feel good that I made her feel good.
Blesh her, she's such a lovely person, sometimes I forget that.

I love it when yooh feel so good after everything.
After killing a bag of popcorn and 2 coissants, It's like. I'm in love with the whole world.
Willing to give everyone and anyone a cuddle atm.
And the music flies over your head, and your too busy smiling to think of anything else except how good yooh feel.
When heartbeats are so close they make the constant faded bass line hours afterwards.
The warm breath, the sickly sweet 'i gotta go' butterfly kisses.
The innocent giggles
The squeals of 'I want my care bear back'
and 'Don't throw it down the frigging stairs'
The whispered, 'I love yous' with the hold me super close moments
Hide the ring game
The 'it was worth it' feeling at the end
Shared heartbeats, shared breath, shared blankets and bed
When watching dvds are forgotten and all you care about is just getting tangled up together.
And the nap after
The most glorious nap after
And that, I'm so tired but I'm so hyper at all the same time
A natural high
When you never notice the pouring rain outside, until someone has to leave.
I love love!
=D


(but i would also kill for a mars bar....)

What a wierd week i must tell ye!
'rents come home on tuesday
straight to my awful parents night
(basically my best isn't good enough because I have 'potential' whatever that is)
So i took the next day off, cos I cried enough to get it off

But, when my rents came home, we have a bag full of money (how cliché) in my 'rents room
Six grand
And it's not there
SO we called the police, so on wednesday I was interviewed and shite and CSI were at my house and everything
Not that nice actually 
And then on thursday I just said I had a cold and got the day off again.

It's my birthday on sunday
Michael has been giving me wee extra presents
=D
Not complaining
We could have had a whole be session of fighting and stuff
But Colly rang and we had to let them in (granted it was delayed for a while)
And I had to make sure sean didnt kill jamie or colly
And he had his bebo other half girl with him
=S
I'm tired, I hate acting mammy
And I tired to look after them and make sure they didn't die and feeling bad for knowing michael was all on his owneyo up in my room.
Poor thing, slave to the horn!

I know its mean to want to seek revenge on anyone
But is it super mean to want to get revenge on your boyfriend
Bless him, he's lovely but he just keeps saying the wrong things at the wrong time
So if he does come up tonight
(he's changed his mind alot over this)
I dunno what I'll do
I'll try and look as pretty as possible anyways, and see what happens
Smrgh
So much floats about in my wee head, but none of it ever comes out

But one thing
Stephine's opinion on me and Michael being a little bit distant with each other
Stephine - 'He got the one thing he wanted and now he doesn't care about anything else'
Pissed off???
very
(but not at her, just the way she said it)

hahaha.
Right, for a few days there has been uno problemo
I had lost my horn.
For like, 3 or 4 days.
But tonight, we founght on my bed for about 1 and a half hours and fought over who gets the blanket.
Overall I won, but after about 20 minutes I got my horn back
=]
And we all ate pizza
(Colin and Jamie were there too btw - Jamie liked to shout 'oh look, there getting it on again')
And we played airhockey + Michael got me past a level on my ps2 game
=]
And there was a major pillow fight.
I am gonna have scratches and brusises on my arms from being pinned down
Michael has marks on his chest form me tickling him
And he'll have to pick his boxers out of his bum (I wedgied him like 3 times)
Granted, he did the same to me.

I am now really tired.
I mean like woah.
I had pinned his arms down and i was ontop of him, pinning him down and he bucked me up so hard.
Seriously, thrusted me so hard.
I hit my head on the slanted ceiling
Owies
=[






(fun tho)

I have nothing really to point out, I could just ramble and ramble and ramble.....
But I have only two main things I want to talk about

A - Michael fries my head sometimes.
I mean, he complains about being fustrated and all that stuff, and for once when I am willing
(Which is a rare occurance atm for some odd reason)
The boy totally blanks me, and kinda pushes me away.
No ones around!
I'm alone in my room!
I can hear people coming up the stairs a mile away!
And he just says we can't, and it doesn't look like we'll see each other much next week (As level module on wed) and then some more exams the week after that!
Take advantage of the moment, for once I am allowing you.


Cause my 'rents are going away next sunday for a fortnight to the Dominican Republic. So I will be at my sisters, but I get from when I get home (about 4:20) until about 8 that night in my house.
Alone
To do homework and stuff.
So unless he is completely unbusy, cause he usually isn't out until after six (or seven with lots of hwork)
I wont be seeing him.
And then there's the painters then I couldn't be assed and will just want to sleep.
Cause an extra person in the bed amkes it much warmer and feels much more safer.

B - I want to be skinner.
Granted, I now wear size 12 jeans (was a size 16 @ the start of the summer)
But I feel too fat.
I want to be a size ten
I want to be a suicide girl
Well, maybe not, but I want enough confidence in my body image that I would be willing to do it at the drop of a hat.
I would like smaller boobs too, but that won't happen, unless I get surgery.
..Also....all nice bras have padding..a DD cup doesn't really need much more padding!! why is padding there!!?!?!?
So, I would like a smaller waist and thighs please.
Cause my bum would look nicer with skinner thighs
My bum looks wierd.
I dunno how, it just does.
I have a bit of a buddah belly, but I lost alot of weight from there so I can deal with a tiny bum
I want to be more toned.
Must buy a yoga mat and steal kirsty's yoga dvd.

Bleh

I see you lying next to me
And every single moment you don't know how happy you actually make me.
And you make me feel so special, a feeling I never though would actually be destined for me
In all seriousness, you are one of the best things that have happened to me this year
With words I thought I'd never speak
I still don't speak them, because I'm scared of the unknown, of not having you return them.
But I do feel it, even though I don't say it
I -love-you
Awake and unafraid
I don't feel scared with you, you make me smile
You cheer me up
I'm not scared at trying things I never tried before
You made me see the confidence I never knew I had
Alsleep or Dead
I don't know what I would do without you
But if I had to, I hope I could still be your friends
Because your the most amazing person ever
I want you to be as happy as much as you make me happy
You are a.m.a.z.i.n.g


Have a happy new year everyone!
Have so much fun!
xxx

Haha, last night Colin and Michael came to visit me, as I am getting over a cold and wasn't allowed out. And Michael bought me lucozade sport (the drink that makes me better) and a packet of jazzles (my mosty favourite sweets ever). Which involved me jumping on him going 'OMG, YAYAYAYA' 
Me and Colin had a pillow fight and I hid in the living room part of my room and closed to door so I was safe, and Michael knocked the door and I let him in, and Colin was being entertained with the laptop me and Michael decided to have a wee kiss, or seventy.
But, my point is either:
a - I am the worlds greatest kisser (lmao)
b - I have viagra in my lipgloss
c - Absence (of kissing) makes the 'heart' grow fonder
Because in seconds he standing to attention and I am laughing and hes looking all embarrased. I hadnt kissed him since Tuesday. And granted and sort of fumbling about is not appropriate when your in the middle of a pillow war and your cousin is at the other side of a very weak and thin door that your leaning against.
God bless him, and I don't see him again until firday probs
=[

I have smuggled me and the laptop into the old house (the buyers are being crap so it is still our house) so I could get on the internet so I though I would say stuff here so I dont forget when we get 'net in the new house.

Michael came over on tuesday, mom and pops were in belfast at a concert of some acoustic guitarist from australia.....but that not important, all that is is that they were out of the house.
So when I found this out I planned Michael to come up 'and keep me company in my scary house' and watch a movie and have a cup of tea.
Parents left, we watched zoolander.
Bumped about for a wee while like the little amours bumper cars that we are. =D
I was sitting on the back of the sofa, and he faked pushed me and I actually fell down onto the sofa, and he slapped me in the head. But he said sorry and kissed it all better =] cause he's nice like that.
And for a suprise I got Claire's raspberry lipgloss for the night (the stuff he used to be obsessed with when I had it and now the chemist has ran out, it was great for bumping about, it was uber tasty)
After the movie we had a cup of tea (michael drinking from a 'world's sexiest woman' mug) and we sat on the sofa for a while.

I have also came to a shameless part of my life now, because fuck this, this is my journal and this is my life - if yoor not happy advert yoor eyes please.

I was leaning against the wall of the archway in the living room, and Michael started kissing me and his hands traveled south and my top came off.
Thank feck for sexy black bras!
Hahaha, its was so warm in my living room I had got to the stage of irrationality of 'how to cool down, bare back on a cold wall, top must come off'
And then he left, after him having to put my top on  meas I kept putting it on back to front. =S

Also, that night I was in the shameless mood that I now am always in and me and him started to talk about sex (well, we were texting about sex) and we got to talking about it, and both of us would like to do it with each other. And I'm now like...woah.

Yars, and after my exam I have planned another movie night hopefully when the parentals feck off again for something festive (ie go off and get pissed in a bar or summat, whatever retired peeps do) and I sent michael a text
'and I am not insinuating we're gonna do anything that night'
and I got a reply
'you never know what might happen'

Granted I had to go pee after that, I get slightly nervous or scared (well, I'm not scared, but still) I need to pee, even though I have a bladder of steel




And that's me done for a while

=]
I will have no internet for a few weeks so I'm leaving on a positive note.
I luff lying on collys bed with my head on michael's chest and using his big massive luffley warm jacket as a pillow and listening to his heart beat and his breathing. It's really wierd and nice, and a lovely ickle mcr song was playing in teh background and it was lovely and warm and stuff. Spesh when he put his arms around me.
I luff both of us being hyper and smiley and lots and lots of uncontrolable kisses for hours on end in the park
I luff lying in the love shack and having Michael making farty noise on my tummy 
I luff having a laugh with Michael
I luff lots and lots of hugs
I luff having michael zip down his big warm coat just to give me and cuddle and keep me warm inside it, and the way you can have your head hidden inside it and its warm and lovely and yooh can hear the wind blowing but not feel cold.
I luff michael sooooo much

I hate Michael making me feel guilty for going to search
But I luff the plans we make to make up for lost time the weekend after.
=]

Keep screaming
And all your problems drown out
And everything is perfect for a moment
It's just you
Screaming your heart out
But people would stare at me if I screamed, and the problems are there when I open my eyes again. 
And when your problems are all over nothing it make me even more mad a fustrated and oh god i wish I could cry.
Just, everyone (well more a someone) shut up, and lets start again
Pretend like tomorrow didn't happen
So I never have to cry.
Cause then yooh get grumpy cos I am
And yooh get guilty because I cry
And I never want to hurt you
Cause that makes me cry more
And it's a downward spiral of tears and fighting
And things happen, and old habits come back
And it's a baaaad sign
And it's a bad place
And I don't want to be here at all
All my scars had healed, and all my thoughts were gone
And they've all came back and I don't know why
And crying makes it all worse
I don't want to be here

=[

Search
OOOoo, its getting closer and closer
Scared much?
Will I fit in?
Will I actually like it?
I don't know why but they're nagging at me lots. I'm so scared of things I can't control, I try and always act confident and friendly but deep down inside I am constantly shitting myself over other people's opinions and view on me on certain aspect and as a whole. While I'm there I miss the Christmas lights being turned on in Kilrea and the first weekend of sleeping at my new house. I would love to hide behind a cushion and not go, but I will. I'll be crapping myself and stuff, but I will go.
It's just, I get really scared at times...new people, new surroundings
No phone

And because I'm in a rant/get things off my chest I'm gonna rant some more:

Sex
No me and michael are not having it thank yoohverymuch.
Both of us are scared of that too.
Cause like, we both have our v plates =D
And there a case of respect for each other, that we both have
But there's a place and a time
And either of them havn't arrived yet
He's so mature when he talks about it to me and stuff aswell
I think I'm a bit mature about it too =]
So to all the shithead that keep on talking like me and michael are
Fuck off
I'm only 15, I will do it when and if I want
Other people I know may have lost their virginity before me, and they have regretted it so badly
But at the same time I don't want to over guard myself
"if it gonna happen, it's gonna happen"

Now I can sleep well tonight
=]